Knowing, YOU.

"The best marriage happens after the break-up". Don't know if the person who said this was talking to me or was I eavesdropping? Oh well, I like it. It resonated with me and my current situation. I've always been smarter during course of the relationship. And still I am. What bothers me is that, my heart and head don't have a meeting before any action. My heart it’s so overly involved and annoying, and my head is calculating risks and recalculating options. My best break-up happened after I fell in love with a person. He was and still is a good guy. We know "good guys finish last" and in deed he did. The "problem" was, he's great, nothing is wrong with neither him nor i it just didn’t work out as I calculated. He had a picture of a perfect relationship in his head and so did i. The "problems" was communication (black accent). None of us knew to use this skill but used it in mostly useless ways. It sucked breaking up but it’s fun to have him or her, LOL.... in my life. I love being in love and admitting that I'm a hopeless romantic. I suck at relationships and I suck at being in one. Too much feelings, emotions and too boundaries. I have my guard on. Anytime its break up time and I should be ready, regardless the reason.* Oh my word, I'm competitive even in things that I can't control.* Don't get me wrong I can act normal it just don't know if I want to. When you get dumped, dismissed, fired, re - trenched there's that normal moment of weakness, its ok. Right? Now if it’s me along those ropes immediately I think of avenging. I'm an Avenger, minus the cool powers and martial arts. I want to win at all costs, i could be fired today, i want to win tomorrow, by revenge. I might sound like a crazy person (yes I am one) but no one dislikes a loser and one remembers #2, its either your number one or, you can forget about publicity. Now I don't blame women who act power crazy because being on top is awesome. No one remembers second best but everybody remembers number one. So my power hungry, psychoanalysis, avenging and competitiveness are my down fall. I've found my kryptonite and a way to bring it to justice. I'm just scared to feel, normal. It seems like if I do normal and act normal id hate life and living. Practically I’d become a zombie. What I’ve learnt in that relationship is that every couple has THEIR secret recipe to a happy and healthy relationship. What works for Joseph wont won’t work for Thabo. Know yourself better than your Doctor, by doing so, you know how strong you are and how far you have you got your back.