The GOOD in my GOODbye.

If anyone would have told me I'd be penning this, my response would have been a fat NO!!!  One can never foresee a back stab or blindside. I guess that's the beauty.

Firstly it pains me to write this but its reasons are enough motivation. This is not my 1st divorce but it still hurts. My first divorce was a breach in the moral and social code between friends and this divorce too, nothing different. I should have had the foresight to see this coming as both parties are two peas in the pot (not in a good way).

The reason for our break-up is based on the two-faced life you live at my expenses. The disregard of my life and the impact when you talk about me, the use me to your advantage and the secrets you spread when told in highest confidence. I'm was your best friend, thought I count on you but time and time again you proved me wrong. I'm not lashing at you but I'm just telling you my experience with you for the past seven (7) years. Its been abusive, my trust in you is no longer there.

I've told you things that I knew would not come back to me. Boy was I wrong in all occasions. A misunderstanding is easy to resolve because it was not intentional. You deliberately telling people my business, is a violation of my trust. Something hard to repair. I once tried to show you what consideration, care, love and trust is, but in your nature you got the wrong end of the stick or the wrong stick.

When we were talking about you that day, it was borderline a concern to us based on the contents of what we knew bout that relationship. If it was gossip, you wouldn't have known about it. The fact that you get/ got defensive is understood. The fact that years later you still see nothing wrong, I have nothing to say.

I'm not perfect and I don't aim at perfection as it doesn't exist. You, out of everybody know most of my flaws and all. Hence the betray is deeper than any romantic relationship I've ever had. I will not say I'm better but I can admit I'm wrong and apologize. You have changed over the years some for the good and some not so much. I can barely recognize you. 

I can barely relate to you. This has nothing to the fact that I am a mother but because you have morphed into someone I don't recognize. I don't wanna confide in you any more, I can't tell you anything because my heart can't take it. I deserve the same loyalty from you as I give. The foundation of our friendship has been violated. We share nothing in common except a history and nothing more. I was your best-friend, a sister, a buddy and it hurts to see this separation but I'm afraid it has to happen.

We have reached an impasse and I doubt neither parties wanna continue living a lie. "when someone shows you their ass, believe them, that's  who they are". 

This is my hurtful experience of mistrust can do. Hope you find happiness within you to find it on others.  I wish nothing but the best in life in general, i hope another 7 years will pass and see the good in my goodbye.

Friday Night to remember ...

What is the most valuable thing to you? Not the tangible things? Please don't mention shoes, bags and play-station. Well, let me school you. Mine is time. I mean if i'm not making money i need to be doing something i like. I value it after 10 years of my youth was stolen by confused girls who don't know back to front but this is not about that, its about something else.

This is a background story based on someone who felt it was OK to get 10 missed calls over a weekend and not say a single word. If i'm your girl and you drive into the woods of Kimberly, the least you owe me is a "Hi BITCH, I'M OK SEE YOU WHEN I'M BACK". I'm not an expert in relationships but i'm pretty sure mutual respect is a must, goes without saying. 

I've been used for my contacts, brilliant ideas (on making money), helping someone making money and none of that bother me. Simply because I've probably did the same to someone else. Unapologetic, i know. The one thing that makes me mad is, using my time and not respecting it. I'm not one to call a guy more than 3 times in a row. If you have 1 missed call, the following ones will not move him. So stop being psycho ladies. 

So i was advised to pen down what happened last, i'm not proud but i'm grateful for the lesson. I agreed to meet someone for a date. Drove from pillar to concrete post only to be stood up. That sh*t hurts but very embarrassing. On my way home i'm thinking. How can one agree to meet and not answer his phone? I'm pretty sure i dialed his number 25 times and my ego was on 0%. I'm a proud young lady, i wait for no one to help me get mine (ghetto translation: i don't wait for help, i make things happen for me).

Let me not paint a one sided canvas, he reached out after this misfortune. Sadly, i couldn't give an Alex rat ass. I've been there, you fail me deeply to be there for me. As stupid and guarded as some could believe. I don't like asking for help, it reduces my chances of a broken heart. So this hurts my ego like hell. My heart is immune to this pain now. I'm not a tin woman but prevention is always better than cure.

This has been one of the most challenging things I've done or posted. Having to be emotional butchered and allow to put yourself into that kind of light, dents ones relationships hopes and "dreams"

I'm over being a doormat and a good-luck chuck.

Love,

Mpk

The apology ...

First and foremost i would like to apologize to the masses for being M.I.A. My new year was not what WE had planned, it changed and the cherry on top i let someone ruin it for me. Regardless how i entered 2013, it will not define how i will KILL it, lol. This is the year i do me and me first. My previous post was not what i wanted to post, write, yes. Post, no. But this is the internet, you post its over. I don't regret writing it but it haunts me, sometimes, oh well! That's all in the past and hope it remains there. For now i will make it my non-paying duty to write more often than before ... Thank you ...M.P.Kay.

Don't Knock It Until You Have Tried "it"

As you will be reading this post you will realize that it’s not another heart-warming relationship post, or my one to second attempt of a political post or me just telling someone else story. This is something your imagination had ran its marathon on since you've been curious about something other than how seed-less watermelons are made. We have all frowned upon things we don’t know or scared to be comfortable about. Like sugar-daddies, married men who cheat on their partners or sex on an chopper … we frown and act holier than thou on such matters without knowing the root of the story. No, I’m not gonna go into it, so you can read through. If I don’t know something and I’m curious to find out what it is, my good friend and 45% of my brain, Google, never lets me down. So one day I found an article on fantasies and how different genders prefer them. Well, it was a long article much about nothing until they got to the good stuff. Things like how most men prefer oral, anal, third party activity (nice way of saying Three-some) and having sex in public. Women, mostly role-play, sex toys and “third party activity”. If you have held a conversation with a guy you would know going down town (another nice way of saying blow job) is one of the requirements their partners must do. And ladies if you’re not going to go down town, its alright, but you look lazy. I’m just the messenger here. One other thing that I found and find enticing was the three-some. I've always founded interesting to try a threesome as part of my bucket-list. Not a lot people would openly agree to this, so we will pretend like you just said ‘’that’s me’’. The only thing that’s holding me back it’s, whom would I like to do it with? And am I a freak to be content with two guys? Or am I going to hell to just think about it? Oh well, it’s just a fantasy, its OK to think about it but its courageous to do it. If had one, it will be edgy and too erotic to share but here goes nothing … It would obviously start with some liquor encouragement to kill the nerves. I and him1 make out on the couch, clothes on the floor, fingers and hands in all the rights places. With his soft lips on mine, passionately kissing, soft whispers of how he wants you to sit on him. For some reason you find the other pair of hands on your butt ok, it’s like you got back-up hands to, hold you in case your intoxicated self is falling off the chair. Or to take off the shoes stuck on your ankles. She and him1 would do it doggy on the couch, with the soft moaning and screaming that would make the Van Tonders to rather listen and not watch the rugby game. Whilst him2 would be kissing her or, performing some oral action on her. Him1 screams and moaning, talking dirty till he finally comes. To her It’s a disappointment, she was just about to, that’s when him2 steps in and ride her, till they see pony’s and shiny leggings… meaning it was that good. Mind you, this is all happening inside someone else’s head. The good thing is, its ok to have back-up, bad thing is, well depends how bad you want to get. Threesomes are/ were designed to bring pleasure, lust, erotica and adventure. It has the potential to create a cat-fight with fake hair and all at display. So it’s ok to screen the third party like a badly written tender policy. If you and you partner have done it, please share. If not don’t say anything. The anxieties you feel and other, same things. I’m not sceptical nor do I judge but its ok sometimes to try something before you knock it off. I understand, threesomes are not items from a sweat-shop, you can’t return to sender. But you can research and take baby steps. Nothing would suck more if your dead weight the others have to carry. Live a little, try something new, responsibly of cause.

Knowing, YOU.

"The best marriage happens after the break-up". Don't know if the person who said this was talking to me or was I eavesdropping? Oh well, I like it. It resonated with me and my current situation. I've always been smarter during course of the relationship. And still I am. What bothers me is that, my heart and head don't have a meeting before any action. My heart it’s so overly involved and annoying, and my head is calculating risks and recalculating options. My best break-up happened after I fell in love with a person. He was and still is a good guy. We know "good guys finish last" and in deed he did. The "problem" was, he's great, nothing is wrong with neither him nor i it just didn’t work out as I calculated. He had a picture of a perfect relationship in his head and so did i. The "problems" was communication (black accent). None of us knew to use this skill but used it in mostly useless ways. It sucked breaking up but it’s fun to have him or her, LOL.... in my life. I love being in love and admitting that I'm a hopeless romantic. I suck at relationships and I suck at being in one. Too much feelings, emotions and too boundaries. I have my guard on. Anytime its break up time and I should be ready, regardless the reason.* Oh my word, I'm competitive even in things that I can't control.* Don't get me wrong I can act normal it just don't know if I want to. When you get dumped, dismissed, fired, re - trenched there's that normal moment of weakness, its ok. Right? Now if it’s me along those ropes immediately I think of avenging. I'm an Avenger, minus the cool powers and martial arts. I want to win at all costs, i could be fired today, i want to win tomorrow, by revenge. I might sound like a crazy person (yes I am one) but no one dislikes a loser and one remembers #2, its either your number one or, you can forget about publicity. Now I don't blame women who act power crazy because being on top is awesome. No one remembers second best but everybody remembers number one. So my power hungry, psychoanalysis, avenging and competitiveness are my down fall. I've found my kryptonite and a way to bring it to justice. I'm just scared to feel, normal. It seems like if I do normal and act normal id hate life and living. Practically I’d become a zombie. What I’ve learnt in that relationship is that every couple has THEIR secret recipe to a happy and healthy relationship. What works for Joseph wont won’t work for Thabo. Know yourself better than your Doctor, by doing so, you know how strong you are and how far you have you got your back.

Where?

They say when you're in the dating scene with someone you really love. The fights are worth it, the boxes of tissues n tubs of ice-cream,looking thru his fone, facebook, twitter even myspace accounts, worth it.

But one thing they don't mention is the time you wanna leave, because your not worth calling someone who never picks up, who makes you cry more instead of laugh more and someone who takes time off his "busy" schedule, to say "Hi, I miss you". I'm not asking for a kidney but a hello.

I'm not gonna lie, kissing frogs to get a prince is just wrong! Who ever believes in kissing a "couple" of frogs to land "Mr Right" needs to be either shot or sterilised. My view in relationships should not be determined by a movie, age, wage, society and a Lil Wayne video. I do want a guy who is taller than me for starters, who has a job, (employment is essential),who is not as crazy as I am but who loves me, for me.

Women are complex, YES! Are we crazy, YES! But our views are similar to the fellas! We want support, loyalty and the *********. Maybe We are too worlds apart but we make magic together! Where is my magic? How long should I wait? Who am I waiting for? If he is reading this, how slow are you?

The Leap

Have you ever felt that you're a walking disaster no matter how great your good intentions are? Like your the other partner behind your partners success and not credited.? Or the unsung hero who saved millions of lives but only has a scar to tell his/ her story.? I'm that person too.

There's a saying "behind a great man, there's a great woman rolling her eyes at him". Ok, maybe I've changed it a bit but there's some relevance. You are that employee whose name is not named on the JSE even though you internally saved the day! You are the bus/ truck driver who has zero accidents who is hoping for just an increase and not the promotion. You are the genius behind twitter or whatever who is not known. Your the bloke that found the cure but a pharmaceutical company gets all the glory and the google hits.

The seclusion could be encouraged because of two things! 1) you really don't care or 2) your just a number, easily disposed at any time. My theory is your a number that does care and knowing of your disposal. Its ok, your a number to some but not to all. That GREAT idea you have on the pipelines, its time to use it, to your advantage. Its time you had the wikipedia page about your life. Its time you get what's rightfully yours. Its time people look at you as a human that you are and not a number.

Don't be the bitter, half-drunk, rolling eye wife, be the top one success story. The greatest of your lifetime. You may get there in 24 hours or 24 months or whatever, but its success nonetheless. We are our own soldiers of our success stories, architects of our own freedom and life-guards of our survival. Take that giant leap, it could be the best thing you ever done for yourself.